Grief is insane and so personal. We can read, watch, listen and do all the things, but each person grieves so differently. For me, the biggest hole in my heart is the loss of my twin boys. They were still born at 37.5 weeks gestation. The autopsy revealed no determinable cause of death. They just died. This year was the 25th anniversary of their birth, as I like to refer to it. Most years, I have a few moments of tears or melancholy. Some years, the day has whizzed by without me even noticing. This year - I seized with pain. My whole body reacted the entire week before the day. Headaches, obscure muscle pains, on and off vision issues, stomach cramps and "toilet" needs in random occurences. Fitful sleep. And the tears. Uncontrollable for no reasons. There were no other reasons for this. No weird foods I ate. No unique exercise causing me pain. I simply believed I was suffering from some sort of trauma response. Like my body knew that my babies were 25 years old even when my brain wasn't fixating on it. And the day after their birthday. After I laid on their grave weeping. It was over. My body, normal as can be. My sleep. Back to its usual weirdness. Grief is the one connection we all have - only God knows why, but dang, couldn't this be the one thing he didn't need to do for us?
I’m so sorry for your loss Colleen—- and I’m so grateful for your vulnerability sharing your story. To answer your “why this, God?” question—-I believe because of what we’ve been through, we are equipped to be the most compassionate and loving people because of it.
Grief is insane and so personal. We can read, watch, listen and do all the things, but each person grieves so differently. For me, the biggest hole in my heart is the loss of my twin boys. They were still born at 37.5 weeks gestation. The autopsy revealed no determinable cause of death. They just died. This year was the 25th anniversary of their birth, as I like to refer to it. Most years, I have a few moments of tears or melancholy. Some years, the day has whizzed by without me even noticing. This year - I seized with pain. My whole body reacted the entire week before the day. Headaches, obscure muscle pains, on and off vision issues, stomach cramps and "toilet" needs in random occurences. Fitful sleep. And the tears. Uncontrollable for no reasons. There were no other reasons for this. No weird foods I ate. No unique exercise causing me pain. I simply believed I was suffering from some sort of trauma response. Like my body knew that my babies were 25 years old even when my brain wasn't fixating on it. And the day after their birthday. After I laid on their grave weeping. It was over. My body, normal as can be. My sleep. Back to its usual weirdness. Grief is the one connection we all have - only God knows why, but dang, couldn't this be the one thing he didn't need to do for us?
I’m so sorry for your loss Colleen—- and I’m so grateful for your vulnerability sharing your story. To answer your “why this, God?” question—-I believe because of what we’ve been through, we are equipped to be the most compassionate and loving people because of it.