Why Is Compassion So Hard?

Somebody asked me, “What do you think is the most attractive quality you look for in another person?” That’s such an easy question. I immediately said:

“Compassion.”

What Do I Mean By “Compassion?”

It’s the feeling you get when you share something you’re going through and the other person is so present, listening intently as if they are literally feeling your emotions, and having them ask how they can help. Awesome, right?

Listening well is one thing. Choosing to help, takes things to the next level.

I would love to be known for continually asking “How Can I Help?” much like Dr. Max Goodwin on NBC’s “New Amsterdam” medical drama.

When my dad died, most people said how sorry they were. Many said, “Let me know if I can do anything”—a very difficult question to answer when grieving. The compassionate ones went beyond empathy, and jumped in to offer help before we could even respond.

Who are you willing to jump in and offer help to?

With some of my recent social media posts, I’m finding that a lot of people find it very difficult to imagine extending compassion to people who are different than them, especially people whose lifestyles they don’t agree with, or as some have said, “are living contrary to God’s will.”

I’m certain that a lot of those people are actually loving, compassionate people. They’re just choosing who receives that love and compassion. And unfortunately, it’s usually people who look a lot like them.

In Luke 6: 35-38, Jesus said these awesome words:

“I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.”

So…Why is Compassion So Hard?

1. It requires work. Compassion asks us to leave our comfort zone and go places and do things that will require something from us, some kind of sacrifice. It’s easier to armchair quarterback life, rather than putting on the pads and getting on the field. It might be easier, but you’re missing out…

2. We risk our reputation. Our ties to the groups we’re involved in are very important to us, and we risk losing those valuable connections if we step outside of acceptable norms—even something as simple as liking a controversial social media post might come back and haunt you. Living courageously within these environments can be very lonely… UNTIL we find new community.

3. We don’t want our compassion confused with acceptance. Many people have been raised thinking the best way to love someone is to point out how they are wrong, and work to get them to change their lives. With this mindset, simply helping others might be misconstrued as giving that person a license to keep doing the things we disagree with. And we’d much rather be in control. And try to get people to be the way we think they should be. Or in some religious circles, the way we think God thinks they should be. (That provides an easy out, “It’s not me…it’s God!”) ***I hate that this point in particular has ripped apart more families than I can count.

Do you think you’ll get to heaven and God will say, “Great job…except for that excessive compassion you showed.” I doubt it.

4. We’ve bought into an Us vs. Them paradigm. You have to create an enemy in order to dominate. So if dominating is your goal, you must create opposing forces that you create battles with. If you can somehow prove “the other” is doing harm to US, to our society, then you are free to work to get rid of them, to silence their voices, to kick them out, to not include them. What if that harm is manufactured? Has that ever happened in our society. Absolutely.

I love what Aubrey Marcus wrote on X, and thought it was so appropriate for this:

"Us vs. Them" is a story that needs to evolve. There is only one way through this beautiful mess, and it’s together. Everything that the world has told you about the ‘them’ is wrong. Because there is no ‘them’. There are just people, and some are more lost in their own story than others. To orient ourselves back to the right-side-up storyline, we first have to recognize that we are co-participating in the same great story. This tale of universal intimacy, by definition, includes all the people on the other side of some border and church wall somewhere. We need to participate in a universal, cultural, and personal story that both unifies us, and celebrates our uniqueness at the same time.

I’m on board with this 100%…will you join me?

COMING SOON…

In TWO weeks I’m launching something that feels very important. So many people are losing hope these days—and I want to help stop the bleeding and give people a way to reclaim hope as the best possible way to live life. I hope you’ll join me!