I’m thankful I haven’t encountered too many “mean” people in my life. But I can say that I’ve been acquainted with plenty of “difficult” people. People who might turn from close confidant, into a surprising antagonist. Maybe it’s someone who posts negative retorts to your Facebook posts. Maybe it’s someone in your own house.
One thing I always try to focus on is this: ‘“How can I not turn into a miserable person because of how this other person (or group of people) is acting.” (I can hear the wisdom in my sister’s voice as she has frequently told me, “DON’T ENGAGE, MARK!” That has saved me from a lot of turmoil over the years. But if you feel safe enough with the person in question, please continue…)
1- There’s literally nothing easy about this. But do you want to? This is the first step—deciding if you want to love someone who is challenging. Then, you can figure out what that might entail. This is you choosing to adopt a posture of love towards other people, regardless of how they respond to it.
2- How do you figure out what it means to love someone? Some might say it’s an ooey-gooey showing of affection, which of course it is (and I’m a 100% fan of), but not what we’re talking about here. To me, loving someone is all about showing another person they have great worth and value, even if they have different values and opinions than me. How do you do this? You can’t if you don’t believe that everybody has great worth and value.
I used to think people had value if they believed the same things I believed. And showing them “love” was all about me working to get them to believe what I believed. I can no longer live this way.
I think it’s also important to realize that most people are just trying the best they can to make sense of their life and this chaotic world. And they are probably dealing with tremendously challenging circumstances, like all of us. Start with compassion and see how you can you offer help or comfort.
3- Are you saying this is an inside job? Yes, I am. Being a loving person and not a big meanie, is rooted in how loved you feel, or even more so, how much you love yourself. When you know love, you can show it to others.
When I know myself as completely loved, I no longer have any need to change other people to be who I want them to be to make my life better or more comfortable.
I have lived too many years blaming other people’s horrible behavior for my “justified” anger toward them. Then I realized I have a choice in the matter. So, let’s start with ourselves, someone we can have control over!
4- Wait! I thought you said there’d only be three! Well, once I get going, it’s hard to stop. So, how do we not let other people determine what kind of person we’re going to be? It seems super simple when we put it that way. We just stop. You are the one who gets to decide how loving you’re going to be. You get to decide how much peace you want to feel in a world oozing with chaos. It’s all up to you. No one else has the right to determine that for you. Even the mean people.